It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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