This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
they're like a gay fantastic four
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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