Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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