I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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