Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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