There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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