Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
