you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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