I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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