it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
