omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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