Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
