You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
