69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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