Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My bed smells like the plague
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
