If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
