You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I will be naked everywhere
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
