turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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