i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
