Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
