Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
