When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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