I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize
