Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
