I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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