tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
