I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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