if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
