I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
