It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
