**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
