I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
