you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
