1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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