Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Randomize
