Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I have feelings that need drinking.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
