I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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