You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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