I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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