So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
