yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
