First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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