Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
