I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
