1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
