Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
