i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
