I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
