I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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