I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
