when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
