imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
