Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
